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Showing posts from 2011

False Sense

Open my legs to a false sense of love
To allow myself that moment of pleasure that would last me only for a little while
Senseless thinking led me into the possibility of having him in a more permanent way
But deeply knowing I'd be the one settling for something I naturally knew I didn't need
Or rather yet, something I knew I didn't ultimately desire, not with him
Not for the long time I wanted to spend my life and be happy with

Open my legs to a false sense of love
Thinking it and he would be something I could ultimately change because I wanted him
I wanted him to be for me knowing he wasn't, I still ignored all the obvious things
That would initially tell me to walk away
I wanted to be happy and I knew I was good enough for that
That was something anyone deserved... To be happy

Having him leave my body, I crawled into the smallest uncomfortable corner
Because after all, the love was false and my legs had remained open to that
Stupid me, so emotionally drained now from not having…

The Return for Heart's Sake

It's been a while now since I've expressed myself into words
Struggled with finding the right combination of nouns, verbs, pauses and phrases
To give myself to you, my dear reader during what became the most
exhilarating, disheartening, happy yet fear filled, tear filled growing experience of my life
My thoughts became muddy with uncertainty in how to translate what I wanted to say
But here I am coming to you again, coming back to what I knew best
Listening to myself, listening to the words, gathering emotions from my experience
And returning here, to this "bed, blanket and pillow" to conguer this thoughts
Work my way through the muck, the tears and happy moments that reside somewhere close
So here it is, the return of those words we read together and over again
To help gather and retain a bit of understanding and clarification
For heart sake's sake

the task

it seems like such a difficult task at timesthe question is... do i know how to love i feel at times i do, i feel like I know how but damn if i don't question myself i let down my guard and let love fall in so deeply i give and i give and give some more you became the man of my dreams a man i would fight anyone for it was me and you did i ever love you right was it ever ever enough for you so this is where i began asking if i knew how to love someone after all, i'm the one with the crooked dynamic the black sheep from every which angle

Sucks So Bad

did not realize how much it sucks being alonewanting and desiring a type of love that once was leads me into nights like this when i feel i'm causing the rain to fall
i had no other choice but to force separation i am too afraid to try again, too afraid of things falling back into those imperfect places, afraid we'd hurt each other again
afraid to crumble a heart that's already into pieces
do you know how hard it is to piece together a heart that is fragmented what an emotional and grueling task it is... let's not mention the tears falling that make this process ever more Straining
i didn't want to at all, even when i was terribly mad at you want to walk away, but there were no options and i broke your heart so bad, it was better for you that i started to...
Run.
As fast as i could even though it would suck so bad being alone

a Paper Heart

I leaned over to wrap my arm around comfort and instead turned to see my bleeding heart There it is on the pillow beside me... crushed and pumping with struggle Though I try to heal it and bring it some comfort my fear remains I lose my confidence and faith that it will survive Comfort of words and even that brand new First Aid kit does nothing for this

Invisible Children

Image

Temper, Tenor and Trend: The Words You Use

It's the words you use That hurt and cut so deep They make the sky turn from blue to grey Sticks and stones may break my bones, yes But it's your words that make my bruises permanent
If you love me so right
Why do I scream at night I'm in love with you but You don't see all the damage you've caused in me I've been committed, devoted, believing and loving you
What comes before or in place of me When I feel myself sinking Are you available to save me from drowning Once uplifted, by your hand or another Walking on eggshells becomes a draining task
A clear day becomes foggy Midst covers my eyes I'm afraid to move forward I become stagnant and may wander But I don't want to crash again
It's the words you use That hurt and cut so deep It's the words you use That chisel away at my heart It's the words you use

I Shouldn't

So I shut my eyes as tightly as I couldBelieving it would stop the tears from falling Opened my eyes a little and the hope of having anything slipped right from my hand Then it became evident from the tears that fell endlessly That my pillow was the only thing that could carry the pain that I was releasing
I slowly and undoubtedly crumbled inside I saw it in his eyes that things had fallen apart Everything that was once beautiful seem to have no purpose anymore
I thought reaching up to heaven, God would lend me his hand to comfort this Instead I crawled myself into a ball and screamed over and over again inside and out loud How could something I believed in so strongly dissappear right in front of me I look around and see how much damage has been made and although I want to so badly fix it, I'm not sure how But in the corner of my mind, a piece of him remains untainted
I shouldn't miss him but I do I shouldn't resent him but I do I shouldn't still be in love with him but I am

The Chill

I've seem to run across this coldness before in my home Never has it been so clear since the day you stepped out the door You were here on several occasions, the last time was more recent (thank you for the memory) Your presence and energy was warm and far more memorable
I had become numb to the chill within these walls Forgot how good it felt to be in the presence of you I counted on artificial counter parts to appease me in your absence It was a waste of time every time So you returned with a smile that sparked the flame Your hugs allowed it to remain
But shortly after you left, I was once again alone This time I felt the brittle cold meet at my bones I missed you deeply, more than I could have imagined Wanting you to be close to me every hour Because now, with or without the increase in degrees It remained cold in here and now I could feel the difference Only you could bring me warmth

Patent Kisses

I want you to kiss me in that center of my lower backCurl my toes like pinwheels Raise the hairs on the back of my neck I want you to kiss me in that center Listen to my body tremble Feel the goosebumps you've made feel like leather Kiss me where my skin shows and doesn't Becoming right as well as wrong but very sweet Vivid thoughts rage, streaming alive and well Becoming those things never to regret Becoming those things never to forget Kiss me there, in that center